Lotions

Rich, fast-absorbing lotion in scents you'll want to wear all day, not just burn at home. Formulated to hydrate without feeling greasy, our lotions let you carry your favorite fragrance with you — evidence included.

11 products

  • Disturbing the Peace Aloe & Shea Lotion - Presumed Innoscent Disturbing the Peace Aloe & Shea Lotion - Presumed Innoscent

    Disturbing the Peace Aloe & Shea Lotion

    Notes: Lavender, Lemon, Eucalyptus, Cedar Suspect Description: Suspect taken into custody after reportedly turning a quiet evening into an unsolicited street performance. Nearby officers arrived during the first act, resulting in an early curtain call. For anyone who loves lavender, and a calming gift for patrol officers, dispatchers and lawyers who could use a quieter evening. Our lotions include a blend of natural oils, butters, and vitamins like Safflower Oil, Shea Butter, Vitamins A, C, and E. Treat your skin to this indulgent lotion designed to replenish, moisturize and restore.

    $12.00

  • Witchcraft Aloe & Shea Lotion - Presumed Innoscent Witchcraft Aloe & Shea Lotion - Presumed Innoscent

    Witchcraft Aloe & Shea Lotion

    Notes: Apple, Fir, Juniper, Cedar, Moss, Ozone, Iced Gingersnap Suspect Description: Officers found suspect behind an old storefront, muttering unintelligible phrases over a cauldron - something about toil and trouble. For anyone who loves crisp apple and evergreen, and a witchy fall and Halloween gift for true crime fans and anyone who believes in a little magic. Our lotions include a blend of natural oils, butters, and vitamins like Safflower Oil, Shea Butter, Vitamins A, C, and E. Treat your skin to this indulgent lotion designed to replenish, moisturize and restore.

    $12.00

  • Treason Aloe & Shea Lotion - Presumed Innoscent Treason Aloe & Shea Lotion - Presumed Innoscent

    Treason Aloe & Shea Lotion

    Notes: Blood Orange, Grapefruit, Mandarin Suspect Description: Arrested following an investigation into activities deemed contrary to national interests. Suspect was surprised to learn that attempting to overthrow the government is an act of Treason. For anyone who loves bright citrus, and a gift for lawyers, history buffs, political junkies and anyone who works in government. Our lotions include a blend of natural oils, butters, and vitamins like Safflower Oil, Shea Butter, Vitamins A, C, and E. Treat your skin to this indulgent lotion designed to replenish, moisturize and restore.

    $12.00

  • Serial Killing Aloe & Shea Lotion - Presumed Innoscent Serial Killing Aloe & Shea Lotion - Presumed Innoscent

    Serial Killing Aloe & Shea Lotion

    Notes: Fruit Loops (Lemon, Cake, and other fruits) Suspect Description: Neighbors describe the suspect as quiet, except for the late-night sound of power tools and classical music. His hobby list reportedly includes "collecting souvenirs" and smiling a little too fondly when asked about them. For anyone who loves a sweet, fruity cereal scent, and a gift for true crime podcast fans, homicide detectives and lawyers with a dark sense of humor. Our lotions include a blend of natural oils, butters, and vitamins like Safflower Oil, Shea Butter, Vitamins A, C, and E. Treat your skin to this indulgent lotion designed to replenish, moisturize and restore.

    $12.00

  • Piracy Aloe & Shea Lotion - Presumed Innoscent Piracy Aloe & Shea Lotion - Presumed Innoscent

    Piracy Aloe & Shea Lotion

    Notes: Ozone, Sea Salt, Eucalyptus, Sandalwood, Dark Musk Suspect Description: Apprehended aboard “The Reel Booty” after downloading and distributing thousands of illicit copies of the latest movies. Suspect has several defining features - wooden peg leg, hook for right hand, and an eye patch. For anyone who loves a fresh ocean scent, and a gift for IP and copyright lawyers and sailors. Our lotions include a blend of natural oils, butters, and vitamins like Safflower Oil, Shea Butter, Vitamins A, C, and E. Treat your skin to this indulgent lotion designed to replenish, moisturize and restore.

    $12.00

  • Adultery Aloe & Shea Lotion - Presumed Innoscent Adultery Aloe & Shea Lotion - Presumed Innoscent

    Adultery Aloe & Shea Lotion

    Notes: Vanilla, Amber, Jasmine, Patchouli, Musk, Coconut Suspect Description: Male, mid-40s, caught creeping home at dawn with lipstick on his collar and a whiff of perfume no husband should be wearing. Currently starring in a fault-based divorce. For anyone who loves a warm jasmine, amber and vanilla scent, and a cheeky gift for divorce attorneys, family-law teams and true crime fans. Also a fun Valentine's Day or date-night gift. Our lotions include a blend of natural oils, butters, and vitamins like Safflower Oil, Shea Butter, Vitamins A, C, and E. Treat your skin to this indulgent lotion designed to replenish, moisturize and restore.

    $12.00

  • Indecent Exposure Aloe & Shea Lotion - Presumed Innoscent Indecent Exposure Aloe & Shea Lotion - Presumed Innoscent

    Indecent Exposure Aloe & Shea Lotion

    Notes: Mulled Cider (Apples, Oranges, Berries, Cloves, Vanilla, Cinnamon) Suspect Description: Male, mid-30s, armed only with misplaced confidence and a poor grasp of public boundaries. Witnesses noted his commitment to "full disclosure" was excessive. For anyone who loves mulled cider, and a funny fall gift for lawyers and police officers. Our lotions include a blend of natural oils, butters, and vitamins like Safflower Oil, Shea Butter, Vitamins A, C, and E. Treat your skin to this indulgent lotion designed to replenish, moisturize and restore.

    $12.00

  • Money Laundering Aloe & Shea Lotion - Presumed Innoscent Money Laundering Aloe & Shea Lotion - Presumed Innoscent

    Money Laundering Aloe & Shea Lotion

    Notes: Fresh Linen, Citrus, Clean Cotton Suspect Description: Suspect was apprehended after a quiet trail of scrubbed ledgers led investigators to their door. He insists it was simple bookkeeping, but the numbers told a cleaner story than truth ever could. For anyone who loves the smell of fresh laundry, and a funny gift for accountants, bankers, compliance teams and financial-crimes prosecutors. Our lotions include a blend of natural oils, butters, and vitamins like Safflower Oil, Shea Butter, Vitamins A, C, and E. Treat your skin to this indulgent lotion designed to replenish, moisturize and restore.

    $12.00

  • Failure to Appear Aloe & Shea Lotion - Presumed Innoscent Failure to Appear Aloe & Shea Lotion - group photo - Presumed Innoscent

    Failure to Appear Aloe & Shea Lotion

    Notes: Cardamom, Orange Peel, Musk, Amber, Palm, Sea Salt Suspect Description: Defendant phoned the clerk at 8:55 a.m. to say they were “five minutes away.” That was in March. For anyone who loves a warm, sun-soaked beach scent, and a gift for defense attorneys, court clerks, bailiffs and bail bondsmen. Our lotions include a blend of natural oils, butters, and vitamins like Safflower Oil, Shea Butter, Vitamins A, C, and E. Treat your skin to this indulgent lotion designed to replenish, moisturize and restore.

    $12.00

  • Espionage Aloe & Shea Lotion - 8 oz - Presumed Innoscent Espionage Aloe & Shea Lotion - 8 oz - pair - Presumed Innoscent

    Espionage Aloe & Shea Lotion

    Notes: Rose, Magnolia, Bergamot, Jasmine, Mahogany, Bamboo Suspect Description: Suspect can neither confirm nor deny being present at the scene, owning the briefcase handcuffed to their wrist, or having a name. Officers noted when asked to remove their glasses, their nose and mustache came off as well. For anyone who loves a fresh rose and jasmine floral, and a gift for federal agents, intelligence analysts, national security lawyers and spy-novel fans. Our lotions include a blend of natural oils, butters, and vitamins like Safflower Oil, Shea Butter, Vitamins A, C, and E. Treat your skin to this indulgent lotion designed to replenish, moisturize and restore.

    $12.00

  • Smuggling Aloe & Shea Lotion - Presumed Innoscent Smuggling Aloe & Shea Lotion - Presumed Innoscent

    Smuggling Aloe & Shea Lotion

    Notes: Sage, Orange, Lavender, Amber, Oakmoss Suspect Description: Suspect was found near the loading docks carrying a large amount of unreported cargo. After attempting to explain he was "just the delivery guy", officers were unconvinced and completed the arrest without incident. For anyone who loves an herbal, earthy scent, and a gift for customs and federal agents, officers and attorneys. Our lotions include a blend of natural oils, butters, and vitamins like Safflower Oil, Shea Butter, Vitamins A, C, and E. Treat your skin to this indulgent lotion designed to replenish, moisturize and restore.

    $12.00

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